new definitions

The week I returned to work after having Bergen I remember a co-worker complaining of being "sooooooooooooo tired" because her dog kept her awake during a thunder storm the night before. I tried not to give her hate stares from across the room as I sipped my third (or was it fifth?) cup of coffee. I hadn't slept much not only the night before but pretty much every night since Bergen's birth 10 weeks earlier. He was a horrific sleeper his first 4 months. And yes, horrific IS a strong word, but we struggled like something fierce to get that child to sleep. We alternated between the bouncy seat, the swing, the rocking chair, the sofa, our arms. . . *anything* that would give us maybe a 3 hour stretch. It was a rough start to parenthood for us. . . and a whole new definition of tired.

As we journey through life, each stage brings about a new set of definitions. As of lately I have been thinking about how parenthood has changed my definitions for various things. My kids are little right now, but as they grow I know the definitions will change. And when they leave the house (which, by the way, I can't even think about without crying) I know they will change once more.

Here are a few examples. . .

Date Night: Ahhhh. . . yes, date night. The second that Bergen sees me without my usual "uniform" (i.e. a pair of sweatpants/jeans with a sweatshirt) and with a splash of mascara, he gets this quizative look and says "Mom, are you going out tonight?" Date night for us is now a rare occasion that has to be planned out far in advance. No more fancy restaurants and expensive drinks, because that money is instead put towards a babysitter. Our dates almost always involve a quick run to Target, grocery store or Home Depot, because heaven knows it is much easier to go there kidless . . not real romantic, but practical. And every now and again, date night is trumped by a kid who inevitably throws up 30 minutes before the babysitter arrives. Then I get back into my "uniform" to prepare for a long night with a sick little one, but I always keep the mascara on.

Vacation: Long gone are relaxing, leisurely vacations. Vacations are now centered around kid schedules, kid food, and kid activities. I am not saying that is a bad thing, it is just different. Lars and I used to see who could read more books while on vacation (yes, Lars always won) and now we feel lucky if we can get through one book and maybe, just maybe, we can skim through a couple magazines that are most likely over 6 months old. I miss the days of laying by the pool listening to my portable CD player (yes, vacations were THAT long ago for us!) without any cares or worries in the world. But vacation is basically the same stress of parenting and getting through the day, but without the comforts of your own home and with over-tired/crabby kids from travelling and not sleeping.

Reading: I read every day, but not the books I stare longingly at on the bookshelves. I can recite Dr. Seuss and Curious George like no ones business, but to actually get time to sit and read a book that *I* want to read is a rarity. I used to get through a book now and then before we had Annika, but now it is really hard for me to do any reading at all. Lars being the crazy night owl he is can get some reading done in the wee hours of the night, but my brain doesn't function much past 9pm (and that is on a good day). My energy level is too low (see definition of tired below) to even read a chapter or two before bed. Sad? Yes, but true.

Sleeping In: I think this one changed the most for Lars since waking up early used to mean 10am for him! For anyone raising children sleeping in is a rarity - if not mythical. And by sleeping in I don't mean 9am - a good day is if I don't hear the kids before 7am. The funny thing is that I am a morning person and I still tend to wake early on the very rare occasion when I can sleep in, it is just plain harder to get the body and brain moving when the day starts with a child screaming "MOM! GET UP!" and then having to watch the DVR'd Christmas Day Parade for the millionth time in a row.

Clean: Gaining whole new definition, or standard, of clean has helped my sanity immensely over the past 4 years. I know Lars struggles with the chaos of the toys scattered all over the floor and I can't help but feel a twinge of jealousy when I am in a house that doesn't have a toy in every corner, but I have learned to let it go and let it be. The times I do feel overwhelmed with the mess or become frustrated with tripping over toys in the dark, I remember this quote: Cleaning the house before the kids are grown is like shoveling the walk before it is done snowing. So true. I can pick up the same toy 10 times a day to turn around and see Annika throw it across the room again. Trying to do the laundry, put clothes away, wash the dishes. . . all with an 18-month old tugging at my leg or crying because she wants to help makes it really challenging to get anything done at all. I guess that is what the weekends are for. . . . which brings me to. . . .

Weekend: Oh how weekends have changed. On Saturday and Sunday mornings Lars and I always look forward to reading the Facebook status updates of our friends with either no children or grown children. Most of those updates involve a cup of coffee (either leisurely at home or at some chic neighborhood cafe) and a crisp newspaper. But for us, weekend mornings are not a morning off from the daily grind of the week. Weekends are no longer 48 hour stretches to plan movies, dinner with friends, or enjoy long breakfasts at Original Pancake House (we may still go out for breakfast, it just isn't as peaceful or relaxing as it once was). Instead it is filled with errands, to-do lists, and maybe a trip to somewhere like the Mall of America to keep the kids entertained. That is right, we have become one of THOSE families I used to see at the mall (that is before I had kids and actually had time to shop) who would just walk around for free entertainment. I didn't get it then, but I do now.

Relaxation: Another term I could have used for this is Free Time. Either way, there is very little of both . . . to which I am not complaining. That is life with kids and we signed up for it. But what I think is interesting is how differently I think about relaxing in my free time. Long gone are the 3-hour hair appointments, shopping excursions, week night movies, 1-hour massages. . . now it is the simple pleasures in life that I look forward to. Reading a book, watching a movie without interruption, having coffee with a friend, taking a nap. . . all these things I used to be able to do without a thought is really exciting and important to me now. And for that I am thankful. Nothing like enjoying the small pleasures in life.

Worry: There are various levels to worry and if you know me, you know I worry. But when it comes to my kids it is more then worry. It is a gut-wrenching, heart-aching worry that stops me in my tracks. Parenting can give you the highest of highs, but also the lowest of lows (like when Bergen was hospitalized). There is so much to worry about as a parent these days that it isn't even worth me writing all the fears and concerns that we and so many of our friends share when it comes to our kids. . . plus it would probably just make me worry even more. But the fierce worry and protection I have for my kids (and Lars) is unlike anything else.

Tired: Where to even begin. . . It isn't even so much the loss of sleep (although that plays a major part), it is trifecta of energy that goes into raising children. The mental, physical, and emotional energy to get from A (waking) to B (sleeping) every day is incalculable. Some days are easier then others, but at the end of most days 99.9% of my energy has been all used up. If only I were able to plug myself into the wall for an hour to recharge. . . I guess that is why God created coffee.

Unconditional Love: I sat at my keyboard for a long time to figure out how to define the love I feel for these beautiful, amazing children of ours. And really, there just are no words.